I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
