Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Someone came in the potted fern
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
