Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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