She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
