I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize