Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
