I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
i need some magic done to my vagina
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
