I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
