just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
