eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
