I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize