Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
