You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Randomize
