when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Randomize