there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize