he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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