Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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