Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
