just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
