This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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