why didn't you poke me back
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Randomize
