If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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