im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
