at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
