i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
