Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
