I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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