Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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