GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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