these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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