The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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