im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
