In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
