I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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