I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
