why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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