the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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