So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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