two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
