I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
