youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
