watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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