i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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