hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
