someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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