I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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