Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
