Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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