Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I party with great urgency now.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
