I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
