on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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