she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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