Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
