he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize