I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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