In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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