Have you finally orgasmed yet?
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
