I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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